Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
shampoo implies shampee
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.