Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. Iβll stop twerking now
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ok wow⦠unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Iβm supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. Itβs been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in βI Will Always Love You.β
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfastβ¦ life is all about balance people! π
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Zumba instructor: Iβm thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
New mindset, who dis?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: youβre the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*