KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
🤣😂
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
went fishing caught a bass
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong