Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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