I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Why are bridges so flammable.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?