Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
You Might Also Like
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
That was easy.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.