don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….