i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.