The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
🤣😂
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*