Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS