[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
early stone age tool
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now