This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Beware of the dog..
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke