4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
i love modern commerce
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?