My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Dune (2021)
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.