Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
You Might Also Like
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭