Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.