I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack