My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
How wrong was this guy?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”