As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital