“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.