Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
You Might Also Like
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby