CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
🤯🤯🤯
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”