Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
No, I don’t think I will.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me