my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Always
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil