It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?