Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.