ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go