Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
LA today:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.