Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Rambo Rambow
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?