If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
This kid will have a bright future.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
#parenting
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.