start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
and now we wait
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged