Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
checking out some reviews of my local library
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice