I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
worst…sale…ever
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”