ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.