carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
i now pronounce you bounced.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
A family that plays together cheats.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Is this a threat?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary