According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.