You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped