Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Don’t touch that.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Venn
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”