Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.