“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: