Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
You Might Also Like
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
This cat wants you to take your pills
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*