Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
You Might Also Like
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want