Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??