I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.