Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.