Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.