No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
You Might Also Like
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment