Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Sponch
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.