Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You Might Also Like
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
c’mon!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
not for long
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.