Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.